by Nanny Aut
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is something commonly experienced amongst both autistics and ADHDers. The name suggests that this comes from nowhere – a glitch in the brain that sees social threat where there is none. This comes from a majority mentality that chooses not to recognise their own responsibility in causing someone else’s distress. A failing commonly seen in mental health practice, where mental health distress is purely attributed to the ‘disorder’ without recognising the very pertinent actions that created that distress in the first place.
In the case of RSD, it forms from very real aggressions and rejections that occur from very early childhood, from peers, surrounding adults and, often, parents. We often seek attention, affection and connection in a very different way from the majority. Ways that may not be understood by others. I find it highly telling that ‘Attention Seeking’ is seen as a negative in many Behaviour Management strategies, something to be extinguished as ‘abnormal’. Generally through ‘Planned Ignoring’ – a blatant rejection. Done intentionally and repeatedly.
We try and share our deep interests with others – our shiny treasure, our joy – only to have it rejected as ‘boring’, ‘weird’, ‘too much’. Or get accused of trying to hog the conversation when we head into an info-dump.
We ‘pebble’ – gifting others with little things that bring us joy – maybe a literal pebble that is beautiful, a funny meme, a wordplay – only for the other person to either not recognise its worth or downright reject it.
We parallel play – doing our own thing alongside someone else doing their own thing – only for it to be interrupted and disrupted, with the other person choosing to engage directly, changing our activity. It feels disrespectful and can also be frustrating – our perfect pattern smashed apart because the other person doesn’t think our way is good enough.
We tend to show our empathy when someone is struggling either by fixing what is harming them, to protect them or by telling a matched story of when we experienced the same pain. And we get accused of being invalidating or one-upmanship.
We express our needs in very clear and concise language, to avoid misunderstanding, and are told we are demanding or bossy. And refused as ‘punishment’, not because the request was unreasonable.
Or worse, we are told our needs aren’t real – it’s not too bright, too loud, too overwhelming – we just need to get over ourselves and stop being so dramatic.
We seek one-on-one interaction so we can properly focus on the person we’re with instead of getting overwhelmed by a group dynamic, and we’re told we’re too intense or even creepy.
We seek play that only has one leader, with clear predictable direction and we’re accused of being too dominant, pushy or bossy.
We seek adherence to rules that OTHERS laid out, because they provide predictability guardrails, and we are seen as pedantic and nitpicky. For wanting to follow the rules others laid out for us.
We correct others’ mistakes, because we know the deep shame of finding out later that we got things wrong and we want to protect them. Or because the error hurts us by breaking our sense of reality and we want to protect us. Either way, even though THEY are the one who made the error, somehow WE are the person in the wrong.
And there are a hundred other little ways our communication differs, all of which are treated as huge offences – even though none was intended. And we are shouted at, shunned, mocked.
Sometimes we even become a toy for others’ amusement. Set up as the joke. We think we’ve done well, that finally we’re accepted, only to find the group sniggering about us later on.
Or we think we’re doing well, getting along with someone, only for someone else to point out that it wasn’t real – the other person really hated our company, they were just being nice or polite.
Small wonder then we cease to trust our connection with others, between blatant failures and the hidden failures we discover far too late.
Small wonder we start to become hypervigilant. Carefully analysing every interaction. Analysing every mirrored emotion, every body signal and facial expression, every piece of tone the majority love to use and we struggle to hear. Playing back every conversation over and over, hunting for the codes, the hidden meanings, the ‘between the lines’ that seems so obvious to everyone else.
Small wonder that the high proportion of negative social outcomes leads us to expect ALL social outcomes are likely to be negative.
And this is where the RSD comes in. For me, I picture it as a little gremlin on my shoulder. It’s a gremlin trying to protect me from repeating past social errors that caused me significant trauma. Unfortunately, in trying to do this it can create more trauma. And it can also increase my isolation to the point I am terrified of trying to make anything other than the most superficial of connections.
My gremlin tells me:
- I don’t deserve even superficial connections.
- Everyone hates me because I am a horrible person – anyone who seems to like me is either lying or mistaken and doesn’t know the real me.
- There is no point in reaching out to others because it will ALWAYS end in failure.
- Keep the mask on at all times to be safe, people at least tolerate ‘pretend me’.
- No one wants to hear from you – you’re a boring, weird waste of air.
- Don’t ask for help – you don’t deserve it. Don’t be a burden on top of all your other negative qualities.
- Never trust others, why would anyone have your back?
- The only way someone like you could even be tolerated is to EARN it – be useful, be helpful, be OF VALUE. Perfection only or else it will be rejection.
- Anyone who tells you that YOU are likeable, that THEY like you are lying to you. Maybe to make you feel better, maybe because they just haven’t known you long enough, maybe because they want something from you.
If I take a deep breath and reflect, I realise that these are all false. Assumptions mistaking correlation for causation. Ignoring the fact that interaction is a two-way street. That maybe I am picking untrustworthy people, rather than I’m not worth loyalty. That maybe I have, in the past, surrounded myself with users because I crave the feeling of being useful. That I have avoided more healthy, reciprocal relationships because it feels threatening to be the one receiving help.
The gremlin is on the lookout all the time looking for evidence to prove his assumptions.
- Someone was slow to respond to a message – they are avoiding me.
- Someone smiles at me – is that smile fake?
- Did I pick up a slight hesitation there?
- Did they just cut the conversation short?
- Are they fidgeting because they’re uncomfortable around me?
- Was that yawn because I’m boring?
- Did they really forget to invite me or was it intentional exclusion?
- They complimented me – were they being sarcastic?
And on and on and on. It’s exhausting.
The worst part is, more often than not, the gremlin is right with their evidence. Even when I tell it to shut up and leave me alone and ignore it, as time goes on, the outcome ends up EXACTLY as the gremlin predicted. I have been picking the wrong groups for so long, I don’t know how to even start looking for groups where I genuinely belong. Where I fit, just as I am, where I am genuinely valued just for being me.
Which makes it very hard for me to ignore the gremlin entirely. What a peaceful world that would be if I could do that.
RSD isn’t just an exhausting, negative voice. It has the power to have serious impact on a person’s life.
- Being perceived can feel terrifying because RSD associates it with judgement and criticism – so you seek to be invisible. Social anxiety goes off the charts.
- You can’t ask for help when you need it – RSD tells you that it’s only going to end in rejection anyway – so better avoid the guaranteed rejection. And you don’t deserve to be helped anyway.
- You opt to do nothing in life – because you can’t fail if you don’t try. And failure means rejection.
- You avoid real relationships because the second someone gets to know you properly, they are going to reject you.
- You can’t trust others to treat you well – because you don’t believe you are worthy of being treated well.
- You avoid putting yourself out there – there is always someone better than you – so why do they need anything from you?
- You say ‘Yes’ to everything – because ‘No’ means they will reject you. Then find you can’t do it well enough, can’t ask for help, get it wrong and let them down anyway.
- You are terrified if you actually succeed at something and get praised for it. RSD tells you that it just means you have farther to fall when you finally fail. And people hate you for being better than them. You may even self-sabotage to bring yourself back to the anticipated failure faster – no waiting for the axe to drop – just drop it yourself.
- You can’t take any criticism without getting highly defensive. A failure of your work is felt to be a failure of YOU. Not liking your work means they don’t like YOU.
However, once you know that gremlin is there, sitting on your shoulder, things can change. It is possible for you to push him out of the driving seat.
It has taken me a lot of years to do that, and it’s an ongoing exhausting process, but the effort is worth it. Having him as a voice in my ear rather than in the driving seat making all my decisions. Not having him dominate my thought process.
Being able to say ‘I hear you – that is definitely one possibility. However, here are some other possibilities for you to consider.’
Or even ‘I hear you, you may be completely right, but I am giving it a shot anyway.’
One thing that has helped enormously is watching others succeed where I failed. People who seek reciprocal relationships, who don’t accept being treated poorly as a norm. People who learned from an early age to effectively advocate for themselves and expect to be heard and respected. And so ARE heard and respected. People who assume that a communication breakdown is simply a glitch that can be remedied through explanation, instead of assuming it as a personal failure to be ashamed of.
People who realised early that connection doesn’t come from pretending to be someone else to ‘fit in’, rather it comes from finding like-minded people who share your values and interests.
The other thing that has helped is the opposite. Seeing people like me, struggling badly with their gremlin, making the same mistakes I did, having the same rejections and aggressions growing up. Because I can see from the outside that THEY are likeable people, people whose company I would greatly enjoy, if I only dared to reach out. I can see from the outside the glitches in their gremlin’s reasoning. The same glitches I struggled to see with my own gremlin.
More information – from both perspectives – helped me recognise that what I was listening to – and fully believing – might not be entirely accurate. Or accurate in any way in a lot of instances.
It helped me come out and write this blog – even though, every time I write, that gremlin sits on my shoulder telling me not to bother – no one reads it anyway. Pointing out the lack of comments, pointing out the small number of followers as compared with the leaders in my field.
I’ve learnt over the years that comparison isn’t healthy. Other people’s excellence doesn’t diminish my smaller contribution. I believe that EVERY person deserves a voice, deserves to be listened to. And I need to remind myself I am part of that EVERY.
One therapist I had also had a very useful question for me.
She asked – ‘You wouldn’t talk to your best friend that way, so why is it ok for you to talk to yourself that way?’
My answer at the time was ‘Because my friend wouldn’t deserve it. I do.’
However, once I had time to turn the tanker around. To mull over the question again, I realised NO ONE deserves the way I was talking to myself. And if no-one does – then neither do I.
Do I see a time when that gremlin is going to give up and go away? No. Our history is too long and too deep. And when I am tired and overwhelmed, he is still very likely to take the opportunity to hop back into the driving seat. However, now it’s no longer constant, nor is it core to my beliefs about myself any more. I can question, evaluate and put him in his place.
I can now ask myself each time. Am I acting from my core values or is it the RSD Gremlin acting for me?
The RSD gremlin was created by my past environment, I then fed it and nurtured it.
No more.
It may be trying to keep me safe, but being over-protective is no more healthy than taking no protection at all. Balance is the key.
