As you will have noticed the plan to post regularly in May was an epic fail.
There were a number of reasons for this. Reasons – not excuses.
- Unrealistic demand – I am not a consistent person – I don’t have a neurology that supports consistency, nor do I have mental health that supports consistency either. I knew this going in – and while I did put in caveats for myself and thought I had put in sufficient failsafes – each slip knocked me back.
- Demand – period – My brain hates ‘oughts’ and ‘shoulds’ they feel like pressure – like someone trying to push me over a cliff. Even if the demand is self set. The desire and drive to reverse out of the situation got stronger with each post.
- RSD – Yes – that gremlin had a massive part to play in this too. Not only did some people disagree with what I posted (which they are welcome to, discussion opens dialogue, enables exchange of knowledge and allows for progress) but some took it one step further and got personal and vicious – telling me to ‘F off, people like me didn’t belong online and weren’t welcome.’ This was compounded by me making an error a day or so later by me mistakenly commenting on an ‘Autism Mom’ post offering an autistic perspective and information I didn’t think the poster had. The error wasn’t in the information but me not checking WHO had made the post. It is a group known to be highly toxic towards autistics – and had I checked I would never have dared to venture in there. And I was dogpiled and mocked, told I was ignorant, that I didn’t belong, that I wasn’t welcome, with others even laughing at the way others were dogpiling me and noting and enjoying the pain these parents were inflicting on an autistic. Feeling that I deserved every bit of this cruelty.
And logic could tell me all it wanted that these are people who are hurting and are working in Dino Brain – attacking because they feel under attack – that it isn’t personal – they are just spreading their pain.
The RSD Gremlin though wasn’t having it – snacking on every delicious morsel of rejection – telling me that I DON’T belong – that I don’t deserve to have a voice, no one wants to hear from me – I just upset and anger people.
So I withdrew and have been very, very careful about what I comment and where I comment. Saying nothing if I am unable to agree with what others have posted. Deleting myself and editing myself to stay safe. Masking. And that is no way to be.
The silence was only broken because someone I knew well, inspired me to write a post on a topic I talk about a lot – Glitter Chimp.
So I am back – ish. Only with no schedule, no consistency, just sporadic me – posting when I can – how I can.
Autistic Village 
I stumbled across an old journal the other day (from before I knew I was autistic) where I had also set myself the challenge of writing every day. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t work out and there were quite a few entries that were basically me berating myself for giving myself such a stupid task.
It’s not always a strength for our gang and I didn’t have to contend with the public replying to my daily writing. You’re doing great.
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Thank you. I fell into the trap of ‘It works for everybody else, so it might work for me’ despite all the evidence to the contrary – and I was ok with a little inconsistency but when I had the two weeks of ‘caving’ – hiding from the RSD gremlin – I kind of felt – ‘Well that’s a little bit beyond ‘inconsistent’ now. Which is true – and I now need to recognise sporadic is fine – tha’t what works for me.
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Thank you for posting anything you find the time and spoons to write. It is valuable.
Sent from my iPhone
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